Monday, December 17, 2012


Well, the tide comes in and it goes out, so I knew I had to expect a time like this. It has been a frustrating week or two. We were supposed to be in the Copperbelt this week meeting Sydney's family but due to funds and a few other issues, that was postponed. After a series of minor frustrations and issues, I woke up to my expensive hose being chewed through by the dogs, and a broken water filter-- and flooded kitchen floor.

After dealing with those things, I went with Sydney to interview for his visa so that he can come to the states for our wedding. After not having enough money- driving back to the ATM, then back to the embassy - and in total about 3 hours of waiting- his visa was denied. They keep the $200 bucks, and we leave with a shiny new denial letter.

I can't express how devastating this is. Financially, this is a huge blow to us, as we've already cut out christmas presents, evenings out, and cut back on just about all other spending.

I have surgery coming up which I have no insurance to cover, not to mention two plane tickets and visas and all the other wedding expenses coming up. This has just felt like an end of the year blow below the belt.

It is easy to say "God is in control" but it is even easier to be frustrated and angry and confused. We now have to figure out if we can afford to "gamble" for a second $200 interview, or what on earth to do next. Dresses and tuxes are paid for, as well as deposits on the venue- and I am feeling entirely overwhelmed by this dark cloud.

All I can say is, we drove home in silence while tears streamed down my face and I sped and had road rage and when we got home I started throwing pots and pans around and slamming cabinet doors grumbling and making lunch, and sydney silently went in the living room and prayed. Of one thing I am sure, I don't deserve him.

On the flip side, this weekend we will have the Christmas party. The kids have been preparing songs and memory verses, as well as a Christmas skit. I am looking forward to that celebration as it will be my last Christmas with the kids. I am still not used to Christmas away from home, but I am very thankful that this year, at least I have my new family (Sydney) and these kids to spend it with.

One point of GREAT PRAISE we have is that this week we took the kids for HIV testing. They were the last 10 (save a few) that did not go yet. In God's great grace not a SINGLE one was HIV+. We have been blessed thus far in that regard and we praise God for that.

As I write this, my mind is flying to people and cities and families who have much bigger problems than a denied visa. I am feeling so disgusted by my ungrateful heart and I almost deleted this post and started over- but that would be lying and I have always wanted this blog to be what's in my heart. Unfortunatley, this exposes my selfishness quite clearly. As I wrap this up, I am chosing to change my heart and believe that God has a greater plan. Choosing to believe that that 200 dollars will be returnd, and another 200 found. And if need be, another 200 after that. He will sort out my surgery and He will take care of us because He brought us together for His glory and He will bring that to fruition.

I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am more blessed than I deserve. There are many families who will wake up with family members missing this Christmas, one of those families being one I grew up with, who have supported me in my ministry here, and I cannot express enough what I am feeling for them. I chose to be thankful that my family is safe and warm with their families in their homes, and regardless of presents or big meals or familiar smells or faces or tastes, I will have a fiance who loves me and cares for me and treats me FAR far better than I deserve.

Seeing the ugliness inside yourself is tough. I have a long way to go. God knew what he was doing when He sent me here, and He has a lot more to teach me still.


  1. cried with you while reading this. I have had my own selfish pity party this week - with several big disappointments, and never enough money, and having to cut out Christmas gifts etc. I relate- and feel the same guilt over the fact that when I stand back and see what I have- I am SO so blessed. Praying for you and Sydney.

  2. Ouch! What a blow! All over in the Bible, when things are dark for one of His children, the Word says, "But God..." and He brings light to the darkness. You are one of His children, may He bring you much *light* today! Even if that light is simply making you more like Jesus, that's what you want most anyway, so it's a win!