Sing, sing I shall.

Sing, O childless woman. Shout for joy you who has never given birth! Burst into song you who have never been in labor... for more are the children of the solitary woman than of her who has a husband. - Isaiah 54.


I don't think I have ever stopped to read those words before. Someone posted it on facebook  and I am sure the surrounding verses give it another meaning and much more context but I have to say that one verse really hit me. The more time that passes with me being here, the more I get questions like "how long are you staying" and "why did you chose to come HERE from THERE?". Especially since moving I am getting more pointed questions.

Why didn't you stay in the states and get married?
Why did you chose to be in a less safe environment?
Why chose to be so far from family?
Why would you rent a hause all by yourself rather than wait for a man to come along (very uncustomary in this culture)?
When are you going HOME? (meaning America)

You get the picture... There's a lot of ways to answer them I guess, but heres what I can say.


I do want a husband but no one said he's in the states. He may not even be in Zambia, and frankly he may not exsist- but either way I dont believe in a female sitting on her hands waiting for prince charming. There's a lot to do in this world and what I am looking for is a man who sees what I am doing, appreciates why I am doing it and Who I am doing it for, and loves me for those reasons.

As far as safety and comfort go, there is a point there... but again, I have been comfortable and spoiled for 25 years... I could do without a lot. In fact though, I am quite comfortable here. Sure, I go without water for days, and theres creatures and critters I could do without, random stomach bugs and illnesses, and as I sit here writing, there's no power and my new house has no hot water so I've been taking ice cold bucket baths for a week.... but I am blessed to have found a beautiful home to rent and I have furniture to sit on and a bed to sleep in and I am doing better than I could ask.

There's lots of things I took for granted in the states. Growing up for the past 25 years, nearly every single time I turned a faucet, water came out! When I flipped a light switch, it turned on! Those rules dont necessarily apply here... but will that kill me? I have learned you can do WITHOUT so much in this life, and I have so much MORE than what is necessary for survival. (And miriads more than I deserve).

The truth of the matter is, what I am doing here, and to be able to be a part of in the LION orphan sponsorship program is worth more than all the hot showers in the world (or just showers for that matter)... it's worth more than eating at my favorite restaurants and having power every day and having doctors I can trust and the ease of simple tasks not taking a week when in the states they'd be done in 10 minutes....

It's worth more because I am called to do something that was a heavy burdon on the heart of Jesus himself. Daily, I interact and do my best to assist, care, and show love to the widows and especially the orphans. Some people wear those WWJD bracelets while they go out partying or spend their time shopping at the mall, but this.... this is what Jesus would do. He'd seek God's calling and when God made it clear to Him what he should do He'd do it, and He'd suffer if need be, but do it with a selfless and loving and egoless heart. It's an honour to walk in shoes that Jesus would wear. I haven't mastered the selfless or egoless part, and I am not even good at being loving all the time but I am doing my best. I know this is where he wants me to serve and if I had to do it in a cardboard box and eat only rice to get it done, I would. The mercy and undeserved love of God is shown in the fact that I do it surrounded by all these earthly comforts.

So when I get questions like " BUT when are you going HOME?" I simply say "after work" and head back here to Chalala until tomorrow.... :)


(By the way, the power just came back just as my computer battery was going to become low... Thanks, Lord)


So- things are moving swiftly... we are 5 months into 2012! We are up to a total count of 45 children. 45 children who try my patience, make me laugh, make me cry, and fill my heart to the brim. Every school day they get breakfast and lunch, go to school and they have a schedule for coming to us for tutoring and games etc. The classroom is so helpful and the kitchen is underway (but still in progress so keep it in your prayers!).

I wish you could see the smile on their faces on the first day of school, or playing in the yard at the church site...



By way of my own progress, it's been a long and eventful- and tiring and amazing week! Last Tuesday I officially moved out of the Williamson's property and into my own place. I was blessed to find a 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom HOUSE on a decent sized plot of land which is newly built and has all new tile and is being fitted for new kitchen cabinets and counters. I got it for almost the same price I used to pay for my discounted studio apartment in Louisville... so yea. To say I am blessed is an understatement. It is also being installed with electric fencing and a push button gate opener... so that's also a blessing. I also got a "guard" dog for free- who's actually just a puppy... and am looking into getting a second one. Dogs are GREAT security here, as many Zambians fear dogs the way we'd fear someone who had a tiger chained in their front lawn.

The very first day I moved in, I locked up to go pick up the guy who was supposed to install something in the house, and when I got back the lock had broken and there was no way in, so while he pried I kicked and 30 minutes later- we were in! Needless to say I had to have those locks replaced. Thursday morning Enock came and set up my stove for me and then rewired a light that didnt work... then we headed to town to find new locks for the doors. We spent almost an hour doing from shop to shop trying to find some that would fit! Finally we did and he came and fixed them, but then the kitchen sink wasnt working. Every time the landlord's maintenance guy came to fix the sink, the water was off so he had to leave. Finally Enock told him- just buy a new faucet! So the landlord was supposed to deliver it on Friday. He did, but it was the wrong size so they left again and said they'd come back saturday.

Friday night I locked all the doors (18 locks in all) but somehow had the wrong key for the hall door- so when I locked it it locked me in for good! I went to sleep then Sat morning used my garden tools (all I had) and a key as a screwdriver and did everything I could to get it open. It wouldn't budge so I had a good cry then called the same maintenance guy. Everything was locked so an HOUR later he came and jumped over the fence, got my keys through the window, opened the grill door and front door, got inside and then simply found the right key and let me out! He still didnt have the right faucet so he left again and then came back in the afternoon and fixed the sink!


There's no such thing as cleaning out a house for the new tennants so I came into a LOT of filth and room by room I've been bleaching and cleaning and trying to put things in their place. Through all of this I got a terrible stomach bug on Tuesday (move day) which got worse on Wedsday and as it subsided that night, I got a sore throat, earaches and I've been coughing and sneezing since.

So I am exhausted, theres a LOT of work still to be done (I have barely touched the masterbedroom let ALONE the outside...) and amid all that I have still been working in Kabanana and also from home- getting their profiles written and lists updated and spreadsheets done...


Soon though, it will all be finished and I'll reap the fruit of the labor I am putting in. little by little I see it coming together- and actually a lot of it, personally and work related, is going MUCH more smoothly than the Zambian "norm" so God's hand of blessing has been upon me and us.


So now I sing and shout for joy as a husbandless woman who has never given birth... I sing for the million blessings I don't deserve and 43 kids God has placed in my life for me to love and cherish every day....

Well I am back. It has taken a while to get to my blog because I hit the ground running a bit. The week I got back we finally moved into the classroom! I am so excited and it has been such a huge blessing. Going from carrying boxes of books in my car and realizing I grabbed the wrong one ot trying to get everyone on the same page and writing on their laps to having tables and chairs and blackboards and a bookshelf full of books! God is good! The kids are really loving it so far and we are having out official "open house" on May 12 to welcome the kids in and finish our final decorations just before for a big reveal!

I am beyond happy to be back and I am really encouraged by God's faithfulness to me. I had a refreshing time to see some of my family and to be encouraged especially by the people at Grace Covenant in Flemington. I am so thankful for their lovingkindness and the way the pray and take special interest in me and my health and the Lion of Zambia ministry.

I needed that time of encouragement as these thoughts of my health were starting to wear thin and I was getting more anxious. Gid granted favorabel results and I will leave tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that up until my next operation up to him. As soon as I got back it seemed God was directing my steps in every way and one thing after another began to fall into place.


There are times in life when you really see HOW God causes all things to work together for good. You don't always get to see and understand it, and I think these glimpses are a privledge.


Aside from God blessing the ministry with the classroom, and the fact that the kitchen is working it's way up from the ground- we also have 15 potential new kids! The ladies of LION will be meeting with them and their guardians on Thursday.

Aside from THOSE blessings, on a more personal note, I have finally found a house! I move in on the 8th, and I am so excited I have not stopped smiling for days. God sort of just "dropped it in my lap" and so far everything has been running smoothly. He really is taking care of me and I got an incredible place for a great price and I am very very thankful.

I look forward to seeing where the rest of this year leads and the developments of the ministry especially. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I am overwhelmingly proud to be a part of this ministry and I am thankful for the women (and man, James!) I work with and especially the kids I am honored to be with each day!

Breath goes in, breath comes out.

I am having one of those times in my life where everything that happens or that I see or hear I can clearly see “Ok, God is trying to teach me something from that.”

I am trying to learn that I need to have more patience. I am finding it more difficult as time goes on (I thought it was the opposite?) I wanted to be here and get the medical tests. Now they are done and I want to be home. I want to find my new house and I want to put a garden there. I want to start a Bible study for the girls in my church, and share with them and learn from them. I want a husband and a family. I want to MOVE on with my life... and God keeps saying wait.... wait.... wait. And I keep getting more frustrated. Theres a reason why patience is a VIRTUE and not an inherant personality trait.

I am trying to learn to be kinder. I get to easily frustrated and I have little tolerance. I always thought I was the most tolerant person I know. I am tolerant of black and white and yellow and red.... I am tolerant of looks and characters and interests and cultures. I am not tolerant in other things, which are hard to explain but I know what they are and so does God, and he's making me aware of it.

I am trying to be more conscious of my “respectable” sins. The worry and the anxiety and the frustration.

I am trying to not be so sarcastic and to be gentler and sweeter. (If you know me you are laughing right now. I am too.)

I want to become more thoughtful and to ask people about themselves and their life, and actually care. I am trying to be more conscious of others and their needs and to be less lazy and selfish in terms of how I treat and speak to other people.

Now I am just rambling, I could go on and on. As you know I am in the states and I am TERRIBLY missing the kids and my work back there but I am where God wants me so I am accepting that (I am trying to be more content too.... sigh)

About Kabanana:

Good news and bad news. Bad first, Barbara is not in the program anymore. This was a hard one for me because I invested a lot of time with her and I have a personal relationship that I've developed with her almost on a big sister little sister level. She failed grade 7 a second time. We exhausted what we could do for her in terms of school and she seemed a bit indifferent and then went on to ask us to just bend the rules and pay extra money to get her into the next grade. It's clear she does not want to or can't put the effort in, and so we had to let her go to make room for the scores of kids who are chomping at the bit to get into school and work hard. It's hard to spend a year working with someone every single week thinking you are getting somewhere with them only to find out your efforts have flatlined. I can only hope the love we showed her and the education she got both at school and in church will remain with her. I hope to continue my relationship with her and guide her somehow in her life because God knows she is not getting guidance from her family.

Now the good... no GREAT news is that Nathan made it into UNIVERSITY. He got his acceptance letter a little over a week ago. We are looking into grants and loans from the government to help cover the costs. He was one of the original kids, our first grade 12 graduate, the first of the kids to be baptised and join the church and the first to go to school. He is paving an admirable road for the rest of the kids, and I am so proud of him.

It's times like these I have to say OK, Maybe Barbara was not the success story I had prayed for but I forgot to pray as hard about Nathan and look what God did! He comes from one of the hardest homes and he has defeated so many odds... people sing the praises of their favorite musicians and sports stars that defeat the odds... I sing for joy for Nathan Tembo. Born to a mother with HIV, lost his father, grew up with no electricity, no running water, no couch, no bed, no tv-- rarely any food in the home, a sick brother, a sister who got herself pregnant in highschool.... One day he met Curtis and Fanny, then he met the Williamsons, then he met me. Together we all worked with him, counseled him, encouraged him, assisted him and he put in the effort and used the gifts and intelligence God gave him and now he is gearing up to hop on a bus and go get a higher education which will allow him to get a higher paying job and help his brother with HIV or his sister with a young baby or his mother who's dying and not the least of all be a shining example to 28 kids looking up to him- that's what they can do too. There is hope for all of them, Barbara included.

my stuff:

The procedure I had done was.... well... not great. It was painful and it didn't make me happy by any means but it's over now. The big news is I got my results back and I am CANCER FREE! I am in a high risk range with some abnormalities so I will have the same procedure with the biopsies (sigh) done once a year for 3 years... but the Bible says I only have to worry about today, and today I am cancer free.

A lot of people talk about surviving cancer and how it changes their life and they have new perspective. Well... I am an “almost had cancer might have it in the future someday” survivor. I let that change me just as much. Something about waiting for two months wondering and researching and thinking and planning for the worst, then the best, then the worst, then deciding to stick with the best.... all of that has no choice but to change you and give you perspective. It reminded me that I am futile and fragile when I like to think I am unbreakable and infinite. It made me look for lessons and open my eyes to soak up as much truth and learn from others as much as I could... I hope they don't close back up again because I have learned so much with these bulging eyes of mine.

It reminded me how precious breath is and I hope I dont forget that. Today I take breaths, and I thank God for that. If I am blessed enough to have air in my lungs tomorrow, I thank him for those too.

7 days in a week, 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour, 60 seconds in a minute....

Well, as expected- Satan hasn't given up just yet. I came down with some sort of nasty flu and spent Sunday afternoon in the clinic waiting to be seen by the only doctor on duty. After just over an hour, I was seen. The doc asked what was wrong and I told him I had a sore throat- so bad I could barely swallow without tearing up and I'd been having headaches and fatigue all week. He took out a peice of cardboard about the size and shape of my palm. On it was drawn a picture of a person wearing a scarf. He went on to explain to me that I needed to be wearing a scarf (pointing at the scarf to show me what it was) after 6pm. (It's 80 degrees every day....) He then told me not to drink cold water or the infection would spread to my ears. He came around the table and looked at my throat with a dollar store flashlight- and then told me "You've got a sore throat". He perscribed an antibiotic I've never heard of- losenges I told him i didn't want because i had already bought them, pain killers I asked him not to perscribe because it was ibuprofen and I already have that too- and .... mint mouthwash.

I actually started laughing because I was thinking about the fact that this was possibly the dullest doctor I've ever encountered in my life but I don't think he enjoyed my snickering very much. He told me to find turtlenecks to wear... and I was on my way. I took Monday off but went to Kabanana on Tuesday. Maureen and Fanny took one look at me and said "oh.... oh .... why are you here?" Apparently I looked like a corpse walking.

The throat pain is not so bad now but I am left with a croupy cough and I'm still having the headaches and fatigue- but those might be just stress related.


It's the first of March. By this time, I had planned to have found my new house and moved in. By now I'd be painting walls and decorating and planting my garden. By now I'd be in Kabanana every day working on setting up the new room and tutoring and cooking for the kids. March was the month my boyfriend was supposed to be coming for FOUR WEEKS to help out with the work, visit, and figure out our future plans.

Instead I've been home from work for 3 days this week. I'm still living behind the Williamsons unable to plan for my new place because the future is in limbo. My boyfriend is not coming now- and instead of cooking and cleaning and preparing for his visit, I'm packing my bags and heading in the opposite direction.


This year has been full of trials. I have been told the pendulum of life swings this way sometimes and I just have to wait for it to swing back the other way. If you know me, I don't wait well. Every plan I've made for the year has crashed and burned before my eyes. I'm scared to write anything in my dayplanner now. I pray that the test results I get this month bring news of change. News that will allow me to breath and move forward rather than sit in the same place or even move back.

I pray that no matter what the results are- at least I'll be able to do what i need to do with the knowlege of what's going on. Right now I feel as though everything is in limbo. Everything's uncertain and it's hard to feel secure or fully happy when your mind gets to wondering.

In 7 days I'll be on a plane. This trip is going to change things for me in many ways... maybe every way. I pray God makes it clear what He is trying to say through all of this because right now I feel like that one kid in class who doesn't get it when everyone else seems to know what's going on. Open my eyes, Lord.

Is there an end to caring for the orphans? Never.

The excitement of the big Chipolopolo win for Zambia subsided, and then their biggest boxer- Esther Phiri, won her match. This is Zambia's year!

Work here has been moving along. We had a great time on Saturday with all the girls for our "Girls Day" and Fanny led a devotional on loving eachother as sisters, as well as appropriate love between the sexes. 3 of our girls were missing, but we had 7 visitors from church and the community so that was great! We painted nails and then the girls had a chance to read their letters from their sponsors and write back. Of course- we also ate! Our favorite pasttime!

Here is a link to the photos:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.558179836974.2040616.100300199&type=1&l=36b4b00800

 

Right now I am shifting focus a bit to my trip home. I am leaving in about 2 weeks and I have to try and prepare myself physically and emotionally. I have been struggling with extreme fatigue and lethargy... I am forcing myself to perform basic daily functions. I've also had some random stomach upset in the past few days as well. I don't know if this is a result of stress and worry since I am not letting myself think too hard about the next month but either way it's a tough time.

 

In other news, I've been thinking about adoption. Obviously this is nothing I am rushing into right now but we can just say the seed has been planted in my mind. There are a lot of factors to think about- pros and con's if you will. The one major pro is that when you live in Zambia, it's much easier and MUCH less expensive to adopt. I know there is the issue of me not being married, but I personally strongly feel that having only a mother is better than having no parents at all. If a child can grow up in a home with a woman who loves them and can care for them- then it's better than growing up in a group of undercared for and undernourised kids.

 

There is a single girl here who is exactly my age who's been fostering her daughter for adoption. She came before she was 25 which is why shes been fostering for so long, you have to be 25 to adopt.

 

Anyway, this is something I'll think about for the future. I have my health concerns and some other things to sort out before I get into it but it is something I'll start praying about now as I move forward in life.

 

Please keep me in prayer as I wind up work here in the next two weeks and then head back to the states for a short time.

Dancing in the streets

Well I just wrote an entire blog and it was deleted by the internet that I love so much here....

In a nutshell, work has been VERY busy. Maureen Fanny and I have met with the guardians and talked to them about their responsibility to the ministry and the kids and well as encouraging them to be part of the church life more than they are. It was a good opportunity for everyone to get to know eachother and we left laughing and talking as friends.

We have paid all school fees, except for Nathan who is waiting on acceptance to the University of Zambia, and Barbara who failed.  All the kids have new shoes, backpacks, notebooks, pens, pencils etc. They've also got lunch provided every day either by their school or Maureen.

We also had a family lunch for the kids and I led a devotional on New beginnings as we start this year off. Many of the kids sang solos and I will be uploading some video of that as soon as I have better internet! It was great for us all to be back together again playing and singing.

M, F &I have also visited all the families to encourage and check on them, as well as visiting all the businesses to see how progress is coming along. Many of them are facing a lull because of the season but some have decided to switch what they are selling for this season and it seems to be working, not a single failure among all 10 businesses and in fact, many of them have "promoted" themselves, moved to better markets and are calling themselves shop owners and marketeers rather than just vendors or sellers!!

Here is a link to the pictures from the guardian meeting and then the lunch- pictures of the businesses are still to come once the internet is better and I can upload them all at once!

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.556562193744.2040391.100300199&type=3&l=5b8f1c35c6

 

 

In other news, Zambia won the Africa Cup! I am SO PROUD to be here and to be part of this.... you can not imagine the excitement and hype. Imagine the entire united states... every single person... is a baseball fan. Now imagine EVERYONE supports the same team, and that team just won the championship. Now add in a culture that celebrates with singing and dancing and noise.... beautiful chaos!

 

It's a lot like the elections only about 10 times more, because now it's not just sata supporters, its every single person. I wish everyone could experience this kind of excitement and patriotism... every single person in the country on the same page, all happy about the same thing, all in it together, all dancing and high fiving in the streets... for days (I still hear yelling and car horns and vuvuzelas, 2 days later!) Awesome.

 

I have pictures and video to upload of the aftermath- people in the streets etc. but again, the internet is bad right now. I will try to get to it later!

 

 

In terms of my health, I a still a bit overwhelmed but being so involved with the Africa Cup and work and everything else over here, time is passing and I am making it through. I am scheduled to return to the states on March 8 and my procedure is on the 14. Provided the results are good I will be back in Zambia and in the work the beginning of April so please continue to pray!

Before you give up- make sure you're not in a teacup...

If any of you follow my blog or see my facebook, you know that January has been a month of trials for me. From having my bank card "disappear" all the way to flat tires I have felt Satan's attacks on me large and small. He's been making it difficult for me to do my job, difficult for me to focus, to sleep to eat.... It's been a month of tears and struggles and trials- so I know God is producing endurance through this but I don't know what kind of marathon he has in store because I am wearing thin already.

The most significant of the trials is the fact that an issue has come up in regard to my health. I had a routine physical when I was home but because the duration of my trip was so short, the results of my labs and tests did not come back until I had already landed back in Zambia. One of the blood tests came back showing some significant numbers and in addition to that, a-typical cell formations were showing.The combination of the two is a problem.

Since my last tests were in 2010 and everything was clear, the doctor hopes and believes that this could be pre-cancerous rather than cancerous but did not want me to wait a year to come home and find out. There is a diagnostic test that needs to be done, however a specific machine does this test and I was informed by a friend of the Williamsons who is a doctor here, that this machine is only at one hospital here, one that I am uncomfortable, to use the very gentlest terms, to be treated in for a flu much less an internal procedure.

Because of all of this, I will be returning to the US in April to have the diagnostic test and seek treatment if necessary.

When I was talking to a friend here, I was stressing about having money spent to come all the way back because "what if it's nothing". She said " .... isn't that what you're hoping for? If it's nothing you have a party and you come home!" I guess things can be a bit out of perspective sometimes when you realize you were putting your bank account at higher importance on the list than your life.

I am praying that it is nothing, and if it's something it is caught early enough to turn it into nothing but only God is in control of that.


It's been a hard month. It's been hard to get back into the swing of things with jabs from Satan at every turn. It's been hard getting scary news for the first time in my life when I am across the ocean from my family. I am only 25. I've never gotten scary news before. Ive been to the doctor a thousand times and Ive always gotten a clean bill of health. No one ever really thinks of themselves as able to get seriously sick until they get the call from the doctor. If I am completely and totally frank, I still believe it's probably some kind of fluke. It just doesn't make any sense.


That's how the devil gets you though. He turns you upside down and backward until nothing really makes any sense any more... you start to wonder if God really has a hold on things down here. Did he forget? He's got a lot to think about- there are billions of people in the world.... maybe he didn't hear my prayers for a husband, maybe I wasn't convincing enough on how much I want kids... Maybe he was dealing with someone else when I was trying to get his attention to ask that I live a long healthy life and do what I want to do. The list goes on and on... and it because all to easy to take power out of God's hands.


It's so easy. It's so easy to say, OK God, I've given up my life, moved away from family and friends and now I'm doing what you called me to do and then you let this happen? I don't have time for this. I am too busy- I just got back- the kids need me here, I don't have the money.....

I stayed home to get some emails and planning done today. I was flipping through the TV and landed on a movie and this was the line Ashton Kutcher (don't judge me) said " This is your life. Right now. It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet."

Obviously this was a secular movie but it's true. God doesn't just give us one trial, wait for us to get up and dust off and pull our socks back up... no. This is a fight. This is a war we are waging down here and He knows exactly whats going on. He knew what was going on in Jobs life... He may have even had a conversation with the devil about me just like he did then... and told him to go ahead and do what he needed to do, but that I won't break. What an honour. I wonder if people think about that. The Bible says God doesn't give us more than we can handle and so he must have though Job was made of pure steel.



The point is, most of the things we go through in life are so overwhelming and swallow us up til we feel like we're drowning and as soon as God sees fit to lift us up and place us back on solid ground we turn around and see it was a tea cup we had fallen into and not the ocean.

All the panic and anxiety and worry was - quite frankly- silly.

If  I am not sick, all of this was a bump or glitch in the road to teach me something of which I am not sure yet but it will be clear... if it's cancer or pre-cancer or anything rhyming with cancer God's in control. I am only scared because I know about it. God could take me tomorrow if He wanted to in a car crash or anything else- and it would only mean he's got something better for me to do up there than down here.


All of this is just to say... that's whats going on in a very vague nutshell. Work is continuing here. All the kids are in school and their fees are paid except Barbara. She failed her tests... miserably. Another trial. Did I help at all? Did I teach the wrong things... Should we have had more sessions....? One thing makes everything else bigger and harder. The work seems more tiring to me than I remember but it might be because my heart and mind are heavy and I have no choice but to drag them along as we visit the homes and buy the food and pay the fees and try on shoes and pick out backpacks....

Dark clouds are over head. They'll clear... they always do.