Another month gone by. So much has changed in that 1 month it feels like a year! At the beginning of the month, we had our first annual Hope ministries camp! Most of the kids were able to attend, for one family- the guardian was not comfortable letting her 2 kids go for that long a period of time. For the rest who were not able to come, it was because of a chicken pox outbreak of all things!
We played sports and games, made necklackes with the girls, had devotionals from Catie and Bible sessions with Pr. Thole and James, had separate boys and girls "talks" getting to some issues of growing up etc... (the boys one was handled by Joseph Quarmout who was here visiting for a few weeks). The kids absolutely loved it and on Friday, although the adults were ready to go sleep- the kids were begging to stay!! It was such a blessing to be able to do that and they are already asking when the next camp is- I am using it as incentive for them to do well in school so they remain in the program and get to do that again!
After the camp, Catie was here for another week and then headed home. In that week we started Alex's processes of texts/exams for him to get his paperwork. For 3 days, Fanny and I woke up at 4am to go and get in line at the hospital. You wait in line there for hours upon hours.... the doctor shows up around 9:30-10 (but if you are not there at 4-5 you don't get a spot in line and they only see 15-30 people a day). By 8 there were over 100 people clamoring for a spot. Nightmare. Absolute nightmare. Anyway we pushed and shoved as much as the rest- and I am ashamed to say that on the second to last day I used my skin to my advantage, depite promising myself I'd never do that.
Having been up and at it since 4am- when it got to be 10 am (knowing we had ANOTHER appointment to line up for at noon) I lost all patience and pushed through into the office telling them this was our second day here and we were going to miss our next appointment, essentially making a white lady scene. (MY FIRST I might add, in these 2 years) It turned out they had even misplaced Alex's file, and never wouldve called us- so it's a good thing I did that! After 3 grueling days of that we have one more appointment and then we'll be done. But I can safely say that hospital is on my list of places never to ever visit again as long as it's my choice. (That was the same hospital I was refered to for my biopsies earlier in the year.. not a chance!)
Alex collapsed at church on Sunday, and the doctors say he is severely underweight and malnourished (I'd say so, at 72 pounds and 17 years old...). On Monday, we start the process of taking him to get started on ARV's. More appointements and needles- which he HATES, but at least at a different clinic!
The kids started back to their last term of school this week and last. With Maureen on leave from work for the month, Fanny and I have been cooking. It has been HOT and cooking over open heat for 40 kids is no picnic!! We also paid up all the school fees which is stressful so I am glad thats over with.
Many of you have been praying for/asking about Maureen's wedding. Regretably, it was called off. It is for the best and she is handling it with God given stregnth but please keep her in your prayers.
Last month was the Reformed Family Confrence here in Lusaka. It was a great week and I had the pleasure of hosting two women who traveled here for the confrence from Luapula. They were wonderful guests and I am happy to call them freinds and proud I was able to give them a place to stay so they could enjoy and benefit from the confrence.
Many of you have also been praying for me in regards to my lonliness and want/need for a husband. Welllll.... at the confrence I met someone. He is a pastor and serves as an intern under Conrad Mbewe at Kabwata Baptist Church. He desires to be a missionary pastor after finishing his internship. We are getting to know eachother and enjoying eachother VERY much, and I would ask for your prayers now as we talk to freinds and pastors and seek God's direction from here.
This month will be full of appointments for Alex, meetings with teachers and guardians, delivering food, teaching tuition classes and on top of all that is my 2 year anniversary of moving to Zambia. I can't wait to see what year 3 brings my way....
Friday, September 7, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Burial
Today is Mrs Tembo's burial. She started out two years ago as a woman I barely knew. A guardian to some kids I was getting to know. She left as my friend.
I thank God she got to hold her first grandchild.
I thank God she saw her 3 sons baptised.
I thank God she saw Morgan turn from a stubborn and fallen boy to a kind and funloving man.
I thank God she saw that Wisdom's grades are some of the best in his class and he's going to pass with no problems.
I thank God that he sustained her just long enough to see her oldest son get out of the compound and get accepted to study medicine at University.
God is gracious.
I thank God she got to hold her first grandchild.
I thank God she saw her 3 sons baptised.
I thank God she saw Morgan turn from a stubborn and fallen boy to a kind and funloving man.
I thank God she saw that Wisdom's grades are some of the best in his class and he's going to pass with no problems.
I thank God that he sustained her just long enough to see her oldest son get out of the compound and get accepted to study medicine at University.
God is gracious.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Alice Tembo.
Yesterday we had gone to see Mrs Tembo. I had planned to bring the kids to see her today for the first time in two weeks, knowing the time was soon. We left the hospital at around 5:30 and she passed away at 7. No one knew until this morning because her mother, who had been with her at her passing, had no phone and no means of transportation.
Catie said she believed that for Mrs Tembo, seeing Maureen Fanny and I gave her peace knowing her family was going to be taken care of and it enabled her to stop suffering and let go. I don't know that I've recieved a greater compliment. I hope we are able to fill the shoes of mother auntie and caretaker to these children.
The kids were prepared but are taking it as well as can be expected, and in fact Wisdom has run away. I am sure he needs time to process. Please pray for this family, pray for Fanny and Maureen as they spend says and nights caring for and being there for the family. Pray for myself as I try to find where I fit into this and how I can be of help to each one of these kids, Fanny, Maureen and the family. Pray for the ministry as we decide how to move forward with the kids and what to do next. Pray for Wisdom....
Catie said she believed that for Mrs Tembo, seeing Maureen Fanny and I gave her peace knowing her family was going to be taken care of and it enabled her to stop suffering and let go. I don't know that I've recieved a greater compliment. I hope we are able to fill the shoes of mother auntie and caretaker to these children.
The kids were prepared but are taking it as well as can be expected, and in fact Wisdom has run away. I am sure he needs time to process. Please pray for this family, pray for Fanny and Maureen as they spend says and nights caring for and being there for the family. Pray for myself as I try to find where I fit into this and how I can be of help to each one of these kids, Fanny, Maureen and the family. Pray for the ministry as we decide how to move forward with the kids and what to do next. Pray for Wisdom....
I see my Father's eyes.
Almost another month has gone by. So much happens in these months and it's weird sometimes to think about how I'm the only one who will know what is thought and seen and felt as each of these days goes by.
Mrs Tembo continues to go down hill. From the last time we visited her, she continued to deteriorate. In the middle of the night about a week ago, Nathan booked a cab to rush her to the hospital- knowing full well he had no money to pay for her car or the cab fare. The next day, the cab driver showed up at Curtis and Fanny's demanding that someone pay the fee. He was threatening to beat Nathan and then take him to the police. We paid the fare and dodged that drama but it was a stressful day for everyone. I am so proud of the man Nathan has become. He started university at the same time his mother has fallen so ill. He's juggling caring for his siblings, the stresses of starting college and all the worried and pressures and concerns of that and still manning up to care for his mother as well. I pray God blesses him for how well he is handling the weights that have fallen on his shoulders. Catie, Maureen, Fanny and I went to the hospital yesterday afternoon to see Mrs. Tembo. We were told she was in "critical condition" and it's clear as each week goes by that she is closer to the end. I don't handle these emotional situations very well, and I don't know how to look at such a young woman with family who needs her and know she is leaving them. I feel like the pain in my eyes is too clear to her and I don't want to cause her any more pain herself. This evening after work I will bring all the kids to see her- they haven't seen her since she was admitted because transportation is too expensive.
Catie, Fanny and I took Alex last week to begin his assesments for special placement in school. In the first hour and interview process we got all his forms. He was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsey. The woman said it was good that we found him and brought him in because he is very advanced and will be able to do a lot if he is given opportunity. His hands are crumpled and shriveled but he can hold a pencil and write. His hearing is bad but it's there. From there we were given a 5 page packet of forms that have to be filled out- each in a different wing by different doctors or even different clinics/buildings. The hospital is like a whole town in and of itself so it was a full day of driving from building to building. We made appointments for eye exams, ear exams, psych evaluation and followups- (all made for different days a month from now how “convenient”). He was able to do physiotherapy that day because the doctor was available. She asked him questions and he was able to stand on one leg which he was VERY proud of and laughed for a while when we praised him with "well done, good boy". Very pleased with his performance! :)
We had to get some medical/physical stuff done as well. The hospitals policy is that all patients are tested for HIV routinely before they even see the doctor. I went in with Alex alone, as I was dragging him around by the hand most of the day and was in most of his interviews/tests with alone him while C and F waited outside so he'd feel comfortable but not on display. They tested him once, then immediately did it again. I knew that was a bad sign but then they said what I was dreading. HIV positive. He sat there smiling as he had NO idea what was going on... I was there alone with him and just held his hand while they finished up the paperwork. I gave him a wink and he attempted a wink back but it was more of a scrunched up goofy face.
Halfway through the day (and it was a LONG DAY) as we walked down long confusing corridors, something made him laugh and he did a little dance then just burst into laughter- of course it spread like wildfire and we all just stopped walking and laughed. None of us really knew WHY we were laughing but to see this boy with his big gums out laughing at whatever on earth was going on his head was enough to give us the energy to finish the day....
Through all this testing and bad news and diagnosis and a full day of waiting room after waiting room he found something to smile and laugh about and spread that laughter to 3 hungry, tired and irritated ladies... May God bless that boy every day of his life.
We had his cd4 count (white blood cells) taken at another clinic yesterday- so now next week we'll take him to start on medication. Odds are we wont be able to bring him to the camp since it gets worse before it gets better. I'll miss his smile.
Two weeks ago, Derbi and Jayte (my puppies) got really sick. At first we thought maybe they'd just eaten something bad but they stopped eating and started vomiting blood. We brought them to the vet and they were dignosed with Parvo virus and immediately put on IV's and admitted for 4 days. I went the same morning we took Alex to the hospital to pick them up and we got out of the car and Fanny asked how they were. The vet said "no, come in- we'll talk"... and I knew. Derbi didn't make it. He said she had made it up until that morning and when they got there in the morning- she was gone. Jayte was happy to see us and so excited to leave but I bawled in the office. Some people here dont understand the way Americans feel about pets and it was clear that I was making the vet uncomfortable but there was nothing I could do. I excused myself to bring Jayte out to the car and come to terms with it. Derbi was my first puppy. I felt responsible for not getting her to the vet in time for her vaccinations.
I've been having grass planted (the whole yard was just dust when I moved in) and so I've had an older guy who was out of work come and plant/water the grass every day. He's a good man who has become a friend and he's extremely protective of me and my things. He barely speaks English so it's something of a comedy hour every time we try to communicate. It's a mix of english,nyanja nad hand signals but we make due. He's been together with the dogs since he came since he's there all day every day- and when they got sick he was really concerned. When they were in the hospital he asked every day if they were ok. When I came home with only Jayte he seemed genuinely sad for me. He told me he had a dog once that he grew attached to and when he died he was so sad. He said in his broken english "Madame, sorry the ka (small) white one is die. At least it should have be this one (pointing to Jayte). The other one was beautiful. Too bad." I know what he meant but I almost had to laugh at that.... Derbi was a beautiful dog and a rare breed here. Jayte is like a gutter mutt and his breed is a dime a dozen. And bless his heart he kinda looks like a drowned rat. But his personality is so great and hes a sweetheart.
So it's been a month again of a lot of ups and downs. I am so thankful to have had Catie Woodman here through all of it. She's given me a shoulder to cry on when my first puppy passed away, support as we deal with all this other stuff and shes been a great help in the ministry and great company at home. I needed her here. God keeps sending people here to help me cope and I feel underserving but so greatful that He cares for me that much.
My sister Johanna had her first baby on Monday after a long wait for this pregnancy then high risk throughout. It's been especially difficult knowing I wont see that baby until it's not even really a baby anymore.... and I really.... really miss my family right now.
My 26th birthday is coming up... so much more has happened then I thought I would accomplish by this age. I live in a foreign country and directly care for and am blessed to be a part of 45+ kid's lives plus their families. I was sure I'd be married and have kids by now or I would DIE but in fact I am stronger than I thought- dealing with life holding only the hand of the Lord and instead of 2 or 3 kids who look like me He's given me 45 kids who look like him. They have their Father's eyes.
I've been having weird financial “issues”. In the last two months I have had stolen from me or “misplaced” money on 4 separate occasions- adding up to almost 300-350 dollars. I am not sure why, but I feel that the devil is attacking me by financial means. I keep hearing of ministries closing because money dries up and it causes me anxiety, then I had money stolen from me or go missing one after the other- things keep breaking that need to be replaced... Money is tight anyway but these things make it tighter. I think God is teaching me to rely on Him and trust that He's got it all under control. Worry is something I struggle with and in the past few years specifically financial worry. I still believe with all my heart that God put me here in this country, this city, this ministry, this house and on this couch for a purpose. HIS purpose. I know He'll control every aspect of it including the financial so I pray for ease of the sin of anxiety.
Next week we have a 4 day camp/VBS for ALL our kids on a camp site an hour away called Ciyanjano. It will be a LOT of work but I am looking forward to the work and the fun the kids will have. We have a lot planned and Catie will be doing the arts/crafts and messages/lessons on the theme “Power Perfected in Weakness”.
Last night I am picked up Moriah Barr, who is essentially my sister in law (my sisters husband's sister.) I'll see how she's doing but she'll most likely come with us today to check on some results at a few schools, teach a class in the afternoon then taking the kids to the hospital to see Mrs Tembo. I hope I don't completely wear her out but she'll definitely get a taste of the work here and my life today!
There is so much more I want to say- so much I want to talk about. Protasho took a mock exam and failed. He came to me down on his knees saying “I am so sorry, Mommy”. All these little things that make up my day and hurt me or excite me or make me laugh or cry.... there is no way to properly convey them or get them all out there and no one has time to read it all anyway but just know that God is very much at work here- with these kids and these people I work with and relate to who have become my friends and family... God is doing so much more than I am able to portray here. We are too blessed.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Death, Marraige, Change, Life, Happiness and Lonliness.
I cant believe I skipped a whole month and a half of blogging. A month and a half that were so full and so ...big.
Last week- I went with Fanny to visit Mrs. Tembo. She refuses to take ARV's or any medication for that matter. When she used to fall ill, she would come out and sit in the living room and chat with us. I knew this was different because Memory told us we'd have to go into the bedroom. We walked in and I was shocked. Shocked. I have never seen a human being in that state before. You see it in movies and posters for AIDS and things like that but to see it and hear it and smell it and TOUCH it is something else all together.
She couldn't move. All that remains of this woman I used to sit and laugh and joke with just a month or two ago- is a skeleton. her skin is shriveled and dark around her tiny frail frame. She has no cheeks- no flesh to speak of. She managed to move one arm anough to shake my hand and I was so scared her fingers would break inside mine. Fanny talked with her for a while and she chatted with me a bit too. Finally we decided to leave as it was clear she was falling asleep. She had mentioned that none of her prayers were being answered so now she had stopped praying and was just "waiting". I asked if I could pray and as soon as we bowed our heads my mouth went dry. What do you say? How do you pray for Mrs. Tembo? She is going to die. She is leaving behind 4 kids and a grandchild with no money. Her oldest son is starting COLLEGE this year. An impossible achievement for a kid with his backgroundand she won't be there to see it. Wisdom is facing the same pain and suffering as she is going through if he follows her footsteps and avoids medication. Morgan wants to be a soldier. She's leaving the world at a young age almost by choice. I scrambled for some words to put together and we left. I relaized I had just looked into the eyes of death- held it in my hands.
I went home and told Megan- if you plan to see Mrs Tembo, go now.
I love Alice Tembo. She may not have the same beliefs as I do but I truly beilieve that she does NOT take medication because she loves and believes in God. Her faith in many ways is stronger than most. It is twisted, and I think it's wrong but it's between her and God. What I know is that she believes SO MUCH in God's power that she doesnt take medicine. I will miss her hemming my chitenges for me. I will miss her laugh and the way she looked sitting on that leapord carpet. I'll miss the way she thanked me everytime I came to see her and always asked me to come more often. I wish I had. She's got 4 good kids. Each of them make thier own mistakes but they are all people who need God's love and protection.
Ba Alice, I promise will be there to show it to them.
**
My friend Jacky moved in with me for the month of June. She had been here since November trying to adopt two girls, Evolet and Kiera. There was a sieries of things that went wrong- one thing after another really. She had to move around from place to place but for the last month, she moved in with me. In a strange way I feel honoured and so happy that they were with me at the end. Things continued to go wrong and discouragements grew and there came a point when it was clear that she was going to be going home without these two girls. Being in this house through those rollercoasters of thinking it was finally working out and then being shot down and gaining hope and then losing it again... it was stressful and tiring.
The hardest part was hugging and squeezing and loving those little girls knowing, especially toward the end, that the woman they called Mommy was flying back to America- never to return, and without them. I tried to make it a fun time, we had dance parties and coloured and we even went out to a reptile farm and spent the day playing and looking at the animals out there. On the last day- we found out they were not even going to be placed in the same orphanage they'd come from- but rather a brand new one with no freinds, no familiar faces....
I have a hard time with things like these. Evolet, after learning that she was not going to America to have the family and birthday parties and bedroom she had been dreaming of, even asked me why she couldn't just stay here with me. Try explaining to a 5 year old laws and regulations when all the while you are actually thinking about how no one would probably ever notice if I did just keep them... Then my mind turned to adoption costs and if I could swing this and if I was ready for two daughters.... If I had an extra lump of cash laying around those girls would be here in warm beds with me.
Even writing about it now is gut wrenching to me. I know no reader will ever understand but Jacky was my freind and these girls became daughters to me too and then they were just gone. One day I woke up and there was no more spilled milk at breakfast, no more yelling at anyone for sitting on the coffee table, no more E's drawn on the wall, no more dance parties and no more excited screams that I was home every time I walked in the door... just quiet.
For that month it was hard to focus. I had a foot in work and a foot in this situation and a hand in my own dealings with freinds and another hand in other things it was like playing life twister and I am still remaining with a backache from all the twists and turns and split emotions. I stretched myself thin trying to figure out my role in each thing and was left feeling helpless in everything.
Jacky left toward the end of the month. I am visiting the girls this afternoon. I want them to have at least one constant in their life. They are amazing kids and God is with them. This much I know.
The day Jacky flew home, I fell really sick. My fever broke and I have been coughing and struggling to breathe, especially at night, for almost 2 weeks. I lost my voice completely for a week of it. I was treated for pneumonia but it never subsided....
We've been so busy with the kids. Teaching and cooking and preparing them for exams. We had a group meeting to touch base about rules and celebrate birthdays. We've had a lot of sickness and most of the kids are coughing and sneezing- it's abnormally cold this cold season. Feels like the end of fall and most people especially our kids, arent prepared for it. We gave out blankets and bought sweaters but you can't stop the noses from running. I love these kids and I am enjoying getting to know the new ones, who are much more rwody and rambunctious that any of the others. Somehow, I have a soft spot for "bad kids" and I'm drawn to them. I want to know what's up- what's behind that behaviour.
We've started the process of getting Alex "certified". He's severely mentally challenged and in order to get him into skills training, theres a mountain of paperwork and trips to clinics and hospitals and ministries and all that. We got the preliminary letter after hours of waiting and then we took him to Chipata clinic.... the place is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare. We finally got a referral to UTH (another nightmare) and we'll taki him there for steps 3-6 next week. Alex blesses me with his big gummy smile. and his silly little laugh.
They are a good group. 45 sons and daughters, thank you Lord.
**
In June, I had a break in. Some theives jumped over my fence and stole whatever was outside and of value, including my trashcan (you'd be surprised how expensive they are. I spent 3 weeks saving up and finally just took the plunge and bought it and within a week it was stolen), my wheelbarrow and shovel etc. Expensive stuff. I realized I needed to take my security seriously, since the next stop is inside the house, and I had electric fencing installed. It was an invasive process and there were guys inside and outside of the house, and in the process about 50$ was stolen from my purse.... On top of all that the water shut off for a week (actually there was a leak the water company didnt want to fix, so they just turned off my water. nice.) and I had the power shutting off every day. Then the landlord told me they were finally ready to put in a hot water heater (I have been bathing with frigid cold water in this cold weather- not helping my pneumonia) and then they came and left every day for a week saying they needed one part and would be back tomorrow. It finally got installed and didnt work so I called the plumber who installed it and he said "Yes, madam- that's the wrong water heater for your house". WHYYYYYYYYYYY he didnt say that before spending a week installing it I'll never know- but after that they removed it, bought a new one and now I finally have a water heater, but it takes about an hour to heat up and uses a lot of my expensive electricity so I haven't used it yet.... life. Stress can feel like it's choking you sometimes.
We've been busy planning Maureens wedding also, which is set for September 1. I had her and Fanny over last weekend and we spent the day dress shopping, budgeting, planning and making her invitations. Very fun and so happy for her.
I hosted a church Braii (barbeque) at my house on Monday. I was nervous as it was also sort of a housewarming- the first time most of them were coming to see my new place! Our cell group just finished our Bible Study topic so we were celebrating and also saying goodbye. Uncle Hillary Anderson, one of my very favorite men at the church, is moving to another country for 2-4 years. He has always checked on me and he and his wife, Rita have been like parents to me. I'll miss him dearly.
It's been an emotional roller coaster this month. Being sick has only made it more of a bumpy ride and there seems to be no end in sight for this painful cough. Between worrying about money, then having theives, then having to put in a VERY expensive electric fence then having money stolen- and mrs tembo and jacky and the girls and my own friendships.... not a fun game of twister.
I feel lonely. Even having people around and having my amazing freinds and church family- at the end of the day I go home and stare at while walls and empty bedrooms. Patience is wearing thin but I continue to pray for a companion and children of my own.
I look forward to having Catie Woodman come on Thursday. She'll be staying in my home for 5-6 weeks as she works with the ministry. It will be good to have the company and get to know her. I have gained many dear freinds from the people who come here and volunteer- I knw she'll be another.
Last week- I went with Fanny to visit Mrs. Tembo. She refuses to take ARV's or any medication for that matter. When she used to fall ill, she would come out and sit in the living room and chat with us. I knew this was different because Memory told us we'd have to go into the bedroom. We walked in and I was shocked. Shocked. I have never seen a human being in that state before. You see it in movies and posters for AIDS and things like that but to see it and hear it and smell it and TOUCH it is something else all together.
She couldn't move. All that remains of this woman I used to sit and laugh and joke with just a month or two ago- is a skeleton. her skin is shriveled and dark around her tiny frail frame. She has no cheeks- no flesh to speak of. She managed to move one arm anough to shake my hand and I was so scared her fingers would break inside mine. Fanny talked with her for a while and she chatted with me a bit too. Finally we decided to leave as it was clear she was falling asleep. She had mentioned that none of her prayers were being answered so now she had stopped praying and was just "waiting". I asked if I could pray and as soon as we bowed our heads my mouth went dry. What do you say? How do you pray for Mrs. Tembo? She is going to die. She is leaving behind 4 kids and a grandchild with no money. Her oldest son is starting COLLEGE this year. An impossible achievement for a kid with his backgroundand she won't be there to see it. Wisdom is facing the same pain and suffering as she is going through if he follows her footsteps and avoids medication. Morgan wants to be a soldier. She's leaving the world at a young age almost by choice. I scrambled for some words to put together and we left. I relaized I had just looked into the eyes of death- held it in my hands.
I went home and told Megan- if you plan to see Mrs Tembo, go now.
I love Alice Tembo. She may not have the same beliefs as I do but I truly beilieve that she does NOT take medication because she loves and believes in God. Her faith in many ways is stronger than most. It is twisted, and I think it's wrong but it's between her and God. What I know is that she believes SO MUCH in God's power that she doesnt take medicine. I will miss her hemming my chitenges for me. I will miss her laugh and the way she looked sitting on that leapord carpet. I'll miss the way she thanked me everytime I came to see her and always asked me to come more often. I wish I had. She's got 4 good kids. Each of them make thier own mistakes but they are all people who need God's love and protection.
Ba Alice, I promise will be there to show it to them.
**
My friend Jacky moved in with me for the month of June. She had been here since November trying to adopt two girls, Evolet and Kiera. There was a sieries of things that went wrong- one thing after another really. She had to move around from place to place but for the last month, she moved in with me. In a strange way I feel honoured and so happy that they were with me at the end. Things continued to go wrong and discouragements grew and there came a point when it was clear that she was going to be going home without these two girls. Being in this house through those rollercoasters of thinking it was finally working out and then being shot down and gaining hope and then losing it again... it was stressful and tiring.
The hardest part was hugging and squeezing and loving those little girls knowing, especially toward the end, that the woman they called Mommy was flying back to America- never to return, and without them. I tried to make it a fun time, we had dance parties and coloured and we even went out to a reptile farm and spent the day playing and looking at the animals out there. On the last day- we found out they were not even going to be placed in the same orphanage they'd come from- but rather a brand new one with no freinds, no familiar faces....
I have a hard time with things like these. Evolet, after learning that she was not going to America to have the family and birthday parties and bedroom she had been dreaming of, even asked me why she couldn't just stay here with me. Try explaining to a 5 year old laws and regulations when all the while you are actually thinking about how no one would probably ever notice if I did just keep them... Then my mind turned to adoption costs and if I could swing this and if I was ready for two daughters.... If I had an extra lump of cash laying around those girls would be here in warm beds with me.
Even writing about it now is gut wrenching to me. I know no reader will ever understand but Jacky was my freind and these girls became daughters to me too and then they were just gone. One day I woke up and there was no more spilled milk at breakfast, no more yelling at anyone for sitting on the coffee table, no more E's drawn on the wall, no more dance parties and no more excited screams that I was home every time I walked in the door... just quiet.
For that month it was hard to focus. I had a foot in work and a foot in this situation and a hand in my own dealings with freinds and another hand in other things it was like playing life twister and I am still remaining with a backache from all the twists and turns and split emotions. I stretched myself thin trying to figure out my role in each thing and was left feeling helpless in everything.
Jacky left toward the end of the month. I am visiting the girls this afternoon. I want them to have at least one constant in their life. They are amazing kids and God is with them. This much I know.
The day Jacky flew home, I fell really sick. My fever broke and I have been coughing and struggling to breathe, especially at night, for almost 2 weeks. I lost my voice completely for a week of it. I was treated for pneumonia but it never subsided....
We've been so busy with the kids. Teaching and cooking and preparing them for exams. We had a group meeting to touch base about rules and celebrate birthdays. We've had a lot of sickness and most of the kids are coughing and sneezing- it's abnormally cold this cold season. Feels like the end of fall and most people especially our kids, arent prepared for it. We gave out blankets and bought sweaters but you can't stop the noses from running. I love these kids and I am enjoying getting to know the new ones, who are much more rwody and rambunctious that any of the others. Somehow, I have a soft spot for "bad kids" and I'm drawn to them. I want to know what's up- what's behind that behaviour.
We've started the process of getting Alex "certified". He's severely mentally challenged and in order to get him into skills training, theres a mountain of paperwork and trips to clinics and hospitals and ministries and all that. We got the preliminary letter after hours of waiting and then we took him to Chipata clinic.... the place is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare. We finally got a referral to UTH (another nightmare) and we'll taki him there for steps 3-6 next week. Alex blesses me with his big gummy smile. and his silly little laugh.
They are a good group. 45 sons and daughters, thank you Lord.
**
In June, I had a break in. Some theives jumped over my fence and stole whatever was outside and of value, including my trashcan (you'd be surprised how expensive they are. I spent 3 weeks saving up and finally just took the plunge and bought it and within a week it was stolen), my wheelbarrow and shovel etc. Expensive stuff. I realized I needed to take my security seriously, since the next stop is inside the house, and I had electric fencing installed. It was an invasive process and there were guys inside and outside of the house, and in the process about 50$ was stolen from my purse.... On top of all that the water shut off for a week (actually there was a leak the water company didnt want to fix, so they just turned off my water. nice.) and I had the power shutting off every day. Then the landlord told me they were finally ready to put in a hot water heater (I have been bathing with frigid cold water in this cold weather- not helping my pneumonia) and then they came and left every day for a week saying they needed one part and would be back tomorrow. It finally got installed and didnt work so I called the plumber who installed it and he said "Yes, madam- that's the wrong water heater for your house". WHYYYYYYYYYYY he didnt say that before spending a week installing it I'll never know- but after that they removed it, bought a new one and now I finally have a water heater, but it takes about an hour to heat up and uses a lot of my expensive electricity so I haven't used it yet.... life. Stress can feel like it's choking you sometimes.
We've been busy planning Maureens wedding also, which is set for September 1. I had her and Fanny over last weekend and we spent the day dress shopping, budgeting, planning and making her invitations. Very fun and so happy for her.
I hosted a church Braii (barbeque) at my house on Monday. I was nervous as it was also sort of a housewarming- the first time most of them were coming to see my new place! Our cell group just finished our Bible Study topic so we were celebrating and also saying goodbye. Uncle Hillary Anderson, one of my very favorite men at the church, is moving to another country for 2-4 years. He has always checked on me and he and his wife, Rita have been like parents to me. I'll miss him dearly.
It's been an emotional roller coaster this month. Being sick has only made it more of a bumpy ride and there seems to be no end in sight for this painful cough. Between worrying about money, then having theives, then having to put in a VERY expensive electric fence then having money stolen- and mrs tembo and jacky and the girls and my own friendships.... not a fun game of twister.
I feel lonely. Even having people around and having my amazing freinds and church family- at the end of the day I go home and stare at while walls and empty bedrooms. Patience is wearing thin but I continue to pray for a companion and children of my own.
I look forward to having Catie Woodman come on Thursday. She'll be staying in my home for 5-6 weeks as she works with the ministry. It will be good to have the company and get to know her. I have gained many dear freinds from the people who come here and volunteer- I knw she'll be another.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Sing, sing I shall.
Sing, O childless woman. Shout for joy you who has never given birth! Burst into song you who have never been in labor... for more are the children of the solitary woman than of her who has a husband. - Isaiah 54.
I don't think I have ever stopped to read those words before. Someone posted it on facebook and I am sure the surrounding verses give it another meaning and much more context but I have to say that one verse really hit me. The more time that passes with me being here, the more I get questions like "how long are you staying" and "why did you chose to come HERE from THERE?". Especially since moving I am getting more pointed questions.
Why didn't you stay in the states and get married?
Why did you chose to be in a less safe environment?
Why chose to be so far from family?
Why would you rent a hause all by yourself rather than wait for a man to come along (very uncustomary in this culture)?
When are you going HOME? (meaning America)
You get the picture... There's a lot of ways to answer them I guess, but heres what I can say.
I do want a husband but no one said he's in the states. He may not even be in Zambia, and frankly he may not exsist- but either way I dont believe in a female sitting on her hands waiting for prince charming. There's a lot to do in this world and what I am looking for is a man who sees what I am doing, appreciates why I am doing it and Who I am doing it for, and loves me for those reasons.
As far as safety and comfort go, there is a point there... but again, I have been comfortable and spoiled for 25 years... I could do without a lot. In fact though, I am quite comfortable here. Sure, I go without water for days, and theres creatures and critters I could do without, random stomach bugs and illnesses, and as I sit here writing, there's no power and my new house has no hot water so I've been taking ice cold bucket baths for a week.... but I am blessed to have found a beautiful home to rent and I have furniture to sit on and a bed to sleep in and I am doing better than I could ask.
There's lots of things I took for granted in the states. Growing up for the past 25 years, nearly every single time I turned a faucet, water came out! When I flipped a light switch, it turned on! Those rules dont necessarily apply here... but will that kill me? I have learned you can do WITHOUT so much in this life, and I have so much MORE than what is necessary for survival. (And miriads more than I deserve).
The truth of the matter is, what I am doing here, and to be able to be a part of in the LION orphan sponsorship program is worth more than all the hot showers in the world (or just showers for that matter)... it's worth more than eating at my favorite restaurants and having power every day and having doctors I can trust and the ease of simple tasks not taking a week when in the states they'd be done in 10 minutes....
It's worth more because I am called to do something that was a heavy burdon on the heart of Jesus himself. Daily, I interact and do my best to assist, care, and show love to the widows and especially the orphans. Some people wear those WWJD bracelets while they go out partying or spend their time shopping at the mall, but this.... this is what Jesus would do. He'd seek God's calling and when God made it clear to Him what he should do He'd do it, and He'd suffer if need be, but do it with a selfless and loving and egoless heart. It's an honour to walk in shoes that Jesus would wear. I haven't mastered the selfless or egoless part, and I am not even good at being loving all the time but I am doing my best. I know this is where he wants me to serve and if I had to do it in a cardboard box and eat only rice to get it done, I would. The mercy and undeserved love of God is shown in the fact that I do it surrounded by all these earthly comforts.
So when I get questions like " BUT when are you going HOME?" I simply say "after work" and head back here to Chalala until tomorrow.... :)
(By the way, the power just came back just as my computer battery was going to become low... Thanks, Lord)
So- things are moving swiftly... we are 5 months into 2012! We are up to a total count of 45 children. 45 children who try my patience, make me laugh, make me cry, and fill my heart to the brim. Every school day they get breakfast and lunch, go to school and they have a schedule for coming to us for tutoring and games etc. The classroom is so helpful and the kitchen is underway (but still in progress so keep it in your prayers!).
I wish you could see the smile on their faces on the first day of school, or playing in the yard at the church site...
By way of my own progress, it's been a long and eventful- and tiring and amazing week! Last Tuesday I officially moved out of the Williamson's property and into my own place. I was blessed to find a 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom HOUSE on a decent sized plot of land which is newly built and has all new tile and is being fitted for new kitchen cabinets and counters. I got it for almost the same price I used to pay for my discounted studio apartment in Louisville... so yea. To say I am blessed is an understatement. It is also being installed with electric fencing and a push button gate opener... so that's also a blessing. I also got a "guard" dog for free- who's actually just a puppy... and am looking into getting a second one. Dogs are GREAT security here, as many Zambians fear dogs the way we'd fear someone who had a tiger chained in their front lawn.
The very first day I moved in, I locked up to go pick up the guy who was supposed to install something in the house, and when I got back the lock had broken and there was no way in, so while he pried I kicked and 30 minutes later- we were in! Needless to say I had to have those locks replaced. Thursday morning Enock came and set up my stove for me and then rewired a light that didnt work... then we headed to town to find new locks for the doors. We spent almost an hour doing from shop to shop trying to find some that would fit! Finally we did and he came and fixed them, but then the kitchen sink wasnt working. Every time the landlord's maintenance guy came to fix the sink, the water was off so he had to leave. Finally Enock told him- just buy a new faucet! So the landlord was supposed to deliver it on Friday. He did, but it was the wrong size so they left again and said they'd come back saturday.
Friday night I locked all the doors (18 locks in all) but somehow had the wrong key for the hall door- so when I locked it it locked me in for good! I went to sleep then Sat morning used my garden tools (all I had) and a key as a screwdriver and did everything I could to get it open. It wouldn't budge so I had a good cry then called the same maintenance guy. Everything was locked so an HOUR later he came and jumped over the fence, got my keys through the window, opened the grill door and front door, got inside and then simply found the right key and let me out! He still didnt have the right faucet so he left again and then came back in the afternoon and fixed the sink!
There's no such thing as cleaning out a house for the new tennants so I came into a LOT of filth and room by room I've been bleaching and cleaning and trying to put things in their place. Through all of this I got a terrible stomach bug on Tuesday (move day) which got worse on Wedsday and as it subsided that night, I got a sore throat, earaches and I've been coughing and sneezing since.
So I am exhausted, theres a LOT of work still to be done (I have barely touched the masterbedroom let ALONE the outside...) and amid all that I have still been working in Kabanana and also from home- getting their profiles written and lists updated and spreadsheets done...
Soon though, it will all be finished and I'll reap the fruit of the labor I am putting in. little by little I see it coming together- and actually a lot of it, personally and work related, is going MUCH more smoothly than the Zambian "norm" so God's hand of blessing has been upon me and us.
So now I sing and shout for joy as a husbandless woman who has never given birth... I sing for the million blessings I don't deserve and 43 kids God has placed in my life for me to love and cherish every day....
I don't think I have ever stopped to read those words before. Someone posted it on facebook and I am sure the surrounding verses give it another meaning and much more context but I have to say that one verse really hit me. The more time that passes with me being here, the more I get questions like "how long are you staying" and "why did you chose to come HERE from THERE?". Especially since moving I am getting more pointed questions.
Why didn't you stay in the states and get married?
Why did you chose to be in a less safe environment?
Why chose to be so far from family?
Why would you rent a hause all by yourself rather than wait for a man to come along (very uncustomary in this culture)?
When are you going HOME? (meaning America)
You get the picture... There's a lot of ways to answer them I guess, but heres what I can say.
I do want a husband but no one said he's in the states. He may not even be in Zambia, and frankly he may not exsist- but either way I dont believe in a female sitting on her hands waiting for prince charming. There's a lot to do in this world and what I am looking for is a man who sees what I am doing, appreciates why I am doing it and Who I am doing it for, and loves me for those reasons.
As far as safety and comfort go, there is a point there... but again, I have been comfortable and spoiled for 25 years... I could do without a lot. In fact though, I am quite comfortable here. Sure, I go without water for days, and theres creatures and critters I could do without, random stomach bugs and illnesses, and as I sit here writing, there's no power and my new house has no hot water so I've been taking ice cold bucket baths for a week.... but I am blessed to have found a beautiful home to rent and I have furniture to sit on and a bed to sleep in and I am doing better than I could ask.
There's lots of things I took for granted in the states. Growing up for the past 25 years, nearly every single time I turned a faucet, water came out! When I flipped a light switch, it turned on! Those rules dont necessarily apply here... but will that kill me? I have learned you can do WITHOUT so much in this life, and I have so much MORE than what is necessary for survival. (And miriads more than I deserve).
The truth of the matter is, what I am doing here, and to be able to be a part of in the LION orphan sponsorship program is worth more than all the hot showers in the world (or just showers for that matter)... it's worth more than eating at my favorite restaurants and having power every day and having doctors I can trust and the ease of simple tasks not taking a week when in the states they'd be done in 10 minutes....
It's worth more because I am called to do something that was a heavy burdon on the heart of Jesus himself. Daily, I interact and do my best to assist, care, and show love to the widows and especially the orphans. Some people wear those WWJD bracelets while they go out partying or spend their time shopping at the mall, but this.... this is what Jesus would do. He'd seek God's calling and when God made it clear to Him what he should do He'd do it, and He'd suffer if need be, but do it with a selfless and loving and egoless heart. It's an honour to walk in shoes that Jesus would wear. I haven't mastered the selfless or egoless part, and I am not even good at being loving all the time but I am doing my best. I know this is where he wants me to serve and if I had to do it in a cardboard box and eat only rice to get it done, I would. The mercy and undeserved love of God is shown in the fact that I do it surrounded by all these earthly comforts.
So when I get questions like " BUT when are you going HOME?" I simply say "after work" and head back here to Chalala until tomorrow.... :)
(By the way, the power just came back just as my computer battery was going to become low... Thanks, Lord)
So- things are moving swiftly... we are 5 months into 2012! We are up to a total count of 45 children. 45 children who try my patience, make me laugh, make me cry, and fill my heart to the brim. Every school day they get breakfast and lunch, go to school and they have a schedule for coming to us for tutoring and games etc. The classroom is so helpful and the kitchen is underway (but still in progress so keep it in your prayers!).
I wish you could see the smile on their faces on the first day of school, or playing in the yard at the church site...
By way of my own progress, it's been a long and eventful- and tiring and amazing week! Last Tuesday I officially moved out of the Williamson's property and into my own place. I was blessed to find a 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom HOUSE on a decent sized plot of land which is newly built and has all new tile and is being fitted for new kitchen cabinets and counters. I got it for almost the same price I used to pay for my discounted studio apartment in Louisville... so yea. To say I am blessed is an understatement. It is also being installed with electric fencing and a push button gate opener... so that's also a blessing. I also got a "guard" dog for free- who's actually just a puppy... and am looking into getting a second one. Dogs are GREAT security here, as many Zambians fear dogs the way we'd fear someone who had a tiger chained in their front lawn.
The very first day I moved in, I locked up to go pick up the guy who was supposed to install something in the house, and when I got back the lock had broken and there was no way in, so while he pried I kicked and 30 minutes later- we were in! Needless to say I had to have those locks replaced. Thursday morning Enock came and set up my stove for me and then rewired a light that didnt work... then we headed to town to find new locks for the doors. We spent almost an hour doing from shop to shop trying to find some that would fit! Finally we did and he came and fixed them, but then the kitchen sink wasnt working. Every time the landlord's maintenance guy came to fix the sink, the water was off so he had to leave. Finally Enock told him- just buy a new faucet! So the landlord was supposed to deliver it on Friday. He did, but it was the wrong size so they left again and said they'd come back saturday.
Friday night I locked all the doors (18 locks in all) but somehow had the wrong key for the hall door- so when I locked it it locked me in for good! I went to sleep then Sat morning used my garden tools (all I had) and a key as a screwdriver and did everything I could to get it open. It wouldn't budge so I had a good cry then called the same maintenance guy. Everything was locked so an HOUR later he came and jumped over the fence, got my keys through the window, opened the grill door and front door, got inside and then simply found the right key and let me out! He still didnt have the right faucet so he left again and then came back in the afternoon and fixed the sink!
There's no such thing as cleaning out a house for the new tennants so I came into a LOT of filth and room by room I've been bleaching and cleaning and trying to put things in their place. Through all of this I got a terrible stomach bug on Tuesday (move day) which got worse on Wedsday and as it subsided that night, I got a sore throat, earaches and I've been coughing and sneezing since.
So I am exhausted, theres a LOT of work still to be done (I have barely touched the masterbedroom let ALONE the outside...) and amid all that I have still been working in Kabanana and also from home- getting their profiles written and lists updated and spreadsheets done...
Soon though, it will all be finished and I'll reap the fruit of the labor I am putting in. little by little I see it coming together- and actually a lot of it, personally and work related, is going MUCH more smoothly than the Zambian "norm" so God's hand of blessing has been upon me and us.
So now I sing and shout for joy as a husbandless woman who has never given birth... I sing for the million blessings I don't deserve and 43 kids God has placed in my life for me to love and cherish every day....
Monday, April 30, 2012
Well I am back. It has taken a while to get to my blog because I hit the ground running a bit. The week I got back we finally moved into the classroom! I am so excited and it has been such a huge blessing. Going from carrying boxes of books in my car and realizing I grabbed the wrong one ot trying to get everyone on the same page and writing on their laps to having tables and chairs and blackboards and a bookshelf full of books! God is good! The kids are really loving it so far and we are having out official "open house" on May 12 to welcome the kids in and finish our final decorations just before for a big reveal!
I am beyond happy to be back and I am really encouraged by God's faithfulness to me. I had a refreshing time to see some of my family and to be encouraged especially by the people at Grace Covenant in Flemington. I am so thankful for their lovingkindness and the way the pray and take special interest in me and my health and the Lion of Zambia ministry.
I needed that time of encouragement as these thoughts of my health were starting to wear thin and I was getting more anxious. Gid granted favorabel results and I will leave tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that up until my next operation up to him. As soon as I got back it seemed God was directing my steps in every way and one thing after another began to fall into place.
There are times in life when you really see HOW God causes all things to work together for good. You don't always get to see and understand it, and I think these glimpses are a privledge.
Aside from God blessing the ministry with the classroom, and the fact that the kitchen is working it's way up from the ground- we also have 15 potential new kids! The ladies of LION will be meeting with them and their guardians on Thursday.
Aside from THOSE blessings, on a more personal note, I have finally found a house! I move in on the 8th, and I am so excited I have not stopped smiling for days. God sort of just "dropped it in my lap" and so far everything has been running smoothly. He really is taking care of me and I got an incredible place for a great price and I am very very thankful.
I look forward to seeing where the rest of this year leads and the developments of the ministry especially. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I am overwhelmingly proud to be a part of this ministry and I am thankful for the women (and man, James!) I work with and especially the kids I am honored to be with each day!
I am beyond happy to be back and I am really encouraged by God's faithfulness to me. I had a refreshing time to see some of my family and to be encouraged especially by the people at Grace Covenant in Flemington. I am so thankful for their lovingkindness and the way the pray and take special interest in me and my health and the Lion of Zambia ministry.
I needed that time of encouragement as these thoughts of my health were starting to wear thin and I was getting more anxious. Gid granted favorabel results and I will leave tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that up until my next operation up to him. As soon as I got back it seemed God was directing my steps in every way and one thing after another began to fall into place.
There are times in life when you really see HOW God causes all things to work together for good. You don't always get to see and understand it, and I think these glimpses are a privledge.
Aside from God blessing the ministry with the classroom, and the fact that the kitchen is working it's way up from the ground- we also have 15 potential new kids! The ladies of LION will be meeting with them and their guardians on Thursday.
Aside from THOSE blessings, on a more personal note, I have finally found a house! I move in on the 8th, and I am so excited I have not stopped smiling for days. God sort of just "dropped it in my lap" and so far everything has been running smoothly. He really is taking care of me and I got an incredible place for a great price and I am very very thankful.
I look forward to seeing where the rest of this year leads and the developments of the ministry especially. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I am overwhelmingly proud to be a part of this ministry and I am thankful for the women (and man, James!) I work with and especially the kids I am honored to be with each day!
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